Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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