I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
