i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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