She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
