I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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