i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
