You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My penis needs a shock collar
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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