I'm jealous of your bromance
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just invented taco cereal.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
