Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
This house was built for laser tag.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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