Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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