i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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