In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
