Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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