hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
