also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
