My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
