and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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