I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
