just tell him i said nine months
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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