Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize