i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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