Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
