Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
