I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
