remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
