Swine flu. Run for my life!
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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