I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
