pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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