he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
So many bounce houses so little time
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
