So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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