when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
