First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
