Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
