my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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