This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
