i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
