one might say we're banned from that church
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
smell my finger.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
