I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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