I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
