I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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