hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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