i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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