you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
