she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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