highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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