I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
