I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize