so that wasnt chicken after all
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
tell me about the eggs
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
