i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Randomize
