Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
