Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
