I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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