There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Randomize
