I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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