Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
