You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize